Author: Cory O'Brien
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 039916040X
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 306
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Book Description
From the creator of Myths Retold comes a hilarious collection of Greek, Norse, Chinese and even Sumerian myths retold in their purest, bawdiest forms! All our lives, we’ve been fed watered-down, PC versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified…wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O’Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told: loudly, and with lots of four-letter words. Did you know? Cronus liked to eat babies. Narcissus probably should have just learned to masturbate. Odin got construction discounts with bestiality. Isis had bad taste in jewelry. Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy. And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face. Still skeptical? Here are a few more gems to consider: • Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed. • The entire Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet just got too hammered to keep murdering everyone. • The Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw sweet dance parties…on the corpses of their enemies. • The Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange for one shiny necklace. And there’s more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.
Author: Garrison Keillor
Publisher: Blackstone Publishing
ISBN:
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages :
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Book Description
Over 2,200 Jokes from America’s favorite live radio show A treasury of hilarity from Garrison Keillor and the cast of public radio’s A Prairie Home Companion. A guy walks into a bar. Eight Canada Geese walk into a bar. A termite jumps up on the bar and asks, “Where is the bar tender?” Drum roll. The Sixth Edition of the perennially popular Pretty Good Joke Book is everything the first five were and more. More puns, one-liners, light bulb jokes, knock-knock jokes, and third-grader jokes (have you heard the one about Elvis Parsley?). More religion jokes, political jokes, lawyer jokes, blonde jokes, and jokes in questionable taste (Why did the urologist lose his license? He got in trouble with his peers). More jokes about chickens, relationships, and senior moments (the nice thing about Alzheimer’s is you can enjoy the same jokes again and again). It all started back in 1996, when A Prairie Home Companion fans laughed themselves silly during the first Joke Show. The broadcast was such a hit that it became an almost-annual gagfest. Then fans wanted to read the jokes, share them, and pass them around, and the first Pretty Good Joke Book was born. With over 200 new and updated jokes, the latest edition promises countless giggles, chortles, and guffaws anyone—fans of the radio show or not—will enjoy.
Author: C. H. Dalton
Publisher: Penguin
ISBN: 9781592403486
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 232
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Book Description
A handy, authoritative and deeply offensive look at the races of the world, which is sure to raise howls of both protest and reluctant laughter. Award winning writer and comedian Sam Means takes on the persona of anthropologist CH Dalton, who holds forth on subjects such as: a crucial manual to Arabs, a people so sensitive they are likely to blow up any time; a close look at the bizarre race known as women' who are not good at anything; the good life enjoyed by blacks, who shuffle through life unhindered by the white man's burdens. Also a comprehensive glossary of insults for all races.'
Author: Ellen DeGeneres
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
ISBN: 0446585033
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 146
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Book Description
~b~>With the winning, upbeat candor that has made her show on of the most popular and honored daytime shows on the air, beloved talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres shares her views on life, love, and American Idol. "I've experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you'll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I've put together for you in this book. I think you'll find I've left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I'm saying is, let us begin, shall we?" Seriously... I'm Kidding is a lively, hilarious, and often sweetly poignant look at the life of the much-loved entertainer as she opens up about her personal life, her talk show, and more. PRAISE FOR Seriously... I'm Kidding "DeGeneres's amiably oddball riffs on everything from kale to catwalks to Jesus will make fans smile." -- People "Whatever the topic, DeGeneres's compulsively readable style will appeal to fans old and new." - Publishers Weekly "Fans will not be disappointed...[DeGeneres's] trademark wit and openness shine through and through." -- Kirkus/DIVspan
Author: R. Cristi
Publisher: Psylon Press
ISBN: 9780986600401
Category : Humor
Languages : en
Pages : 82
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Book Description
Some random Mexican jokes from the book: A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not." *** A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know," the German says, "Because it's so cold." Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia," the others ask "How do you know," he replies "Because it's so warm." Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico," the others ask "How do you know," he says " Because my watch is gone" *** What's a Mexican favorite book store? Borders. Did you hear about that one Mexican that went to college? Yeah.. me neither. How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it. What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower? Unemployed. What do you do when a Mexican is riding a bike? Chase after him, it's probably yours! Why are Mexicans so short? They all live in basement apartments. Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans? Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time? How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek? They don't work in the future, either. What do you call a Mexican in a two-story house? Adopted. Why do Mexican kids walk around school like they own the place? Because their dads built it and their mom clean it. 2 Mexicans are in a car, who is driving? A cop. Buy the book to read 100s more Mexican jokes!
Author: Linda Goodman
Publisher: RosettaBooks
ISBN: 0795316488
Category : Body, Mind & Spirit
Languages : en
Pages : 1103
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Book Description
The New York Times bestseller that helps you explore whether romance is in the stars. Linda Goodman’s Love Signs addresses the question asked by everyone familiar with astrology: How do I relate to someone of another sign? Each sign is “related” to the twelve signs of the zodiac in a different and unique way. Each section addresses the differences for a male and a female with the same sign matches. This is an updated edition of Linda Goodman’s lively bestseller, which has introduced millions to the concept of astrological compatibility. “What seems to set Goodman’s books apart from other stargazing guides is their knowledgeable approach and comprehensive reach.” —Newsweek
Author: Ann Patchett
Publisher: HarperCollins
ISBN: 0063092808
Category : Biography & Autobiography
Languages : en
Pages : 320
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Book Description
The beloved New York Times bestselling author reflects on home, family, friendships and writing in this deeply personal collection of essays. "The elegance of Patchett’s prose is seductive and inviting: with Patchett as a guide, readers will really get to grips with the power of struggles, failures, and triumphs alike." —Publisher's Weekly “Any story that starts will also end.” As a writer, Ann Patchett knows what the outcome of her fiction will be. Life, however, often takes turns we do not see coming. Patchett ponders this truth in these wise essays that afford a fresh and intimate look into her mind and heart. At the center of These Precious Days is the title essay, a surprising and moving meditation on an unexpected friendship that explores “what it means to be seen, to find someone with whom you can be your best and most complete self.” When Patchett chose an early galley of actor and producer Tom Hanks’ short story collection to read one night before bed, she had no idea that this single choice would be life changing. It would introduce her to a remarkable woman—Tom’s brilliant assistant Sooki—with whom she would form a profound bond that held monumental consequences for them both. A literary alchemist, Patchett plumbs the depths of her experiences to create gold: engaging and moving pieces that are both self-portrait and landscape, each vibrant with emotion and rich in insight. Turning her writer’s eye on her own experiences, she transforms the private into the universal, providing us all a way to look at our own worlds anew, and reminds how fleeting and enigmatic life can be. From the enchantments of Kate DiCamillo’s children’s books (author of The Beatryce Prophecy) to youthful memories of Paris; the cherished life gifts given by her three fathers to the unexpected influence of Charles Schultz’s Snoopy; the expansive vision of Eudora Welty to the importance of knitting, Patchett connects life and art as she illuminates what matters most. Infused with the author’s grace, wit, and warmth, the pieces in These Precious Days resonate deep in the soul, leaving an indelible mark—and demonstrate why Ann Patchett is one of the most celebrated writers of our time.
Author: Joseph Fink
Publisher: HarperCollins
ISBN: 0062476084
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 266
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Book Description
A new page-turning mystery about science, faith, love and belonging, set in a friendly desert community where ghosts, angels, aliens, and government conspiracies are commonplace parts of everyday life. Welcome to Night Vale… “Brilliant, hilarious, and wondrously strange. I’m packing up and moving to Night Vale! –Ransom Riggs, #1 New York Times Bestselling Author of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. From the authors of the New York Times bestselling novel Welcome to Night Vale and the creators of the #1 international podcast of the same name, comes a mystery exploring the intersections of faith and science, the growing relationship between two young people who want desperately to trust each other, and the terrifying, toothy power of the Smiling God. Nilanjana Sikdar is an outsider to the town of Night Vale. Working for Carlos, the town’s top scientist, she relies on fact and logic as her guiding principles. But all of that is put into question when Carlos gives her a special assignment investigating a mysterious rumbling in the desert wasteland outside of town. This investigation leads her to the Joyous Congregation of the Smiling God, and to Darryl, one of its most committed members. Caught between her beliefs in the ultimate power of science and her growing attraction to Darryl, she begins to suspect the Congregation is planning a ritual that could threaten the lives of everyone in town. Nilanjana and Darryl must search for common ground between their very different world views as they are faced with the Congregation’s darkest and most terrible secret.
Author: Carlos Hernandez
Publisher: Rosarium Publishing
ISBN: 1495607429
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 294
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Book Description
A quirky collection of short sci-fi stories for fans of Kij Johnson and Kelly Link Assimilation is founded on surrender and being broken; this collection of short stories features people who have assimilated, but are actively trying to reclaim their lives. There is a concert pianist who defies death by uploading his soul into his piano. There is the person who draws his mother's ghost out of the bullet hole in the wall near where she was executed. Another character has a horn growing out of the center of his forehead—punishment for an affair. But he is too weak to end it, too much in love to be moral. Another story recounts a panda breeder looking for tips. And then there's a border patrol agent trying to figure out how to process undocumented visitors from another galaxy. Poignant by way of funny, and philosophical by way of grotesque, Hernandez's stories are prayers for self-sovereignty.
Author: Jeanine Cummins
Publisher: Holt Paperbacks
ISBN: 1250209781
Category : Fiction
Languages : en
Pages : 0
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Book Description
"También de este lado hay sueños. On this side, too, there are dreams. Lydia Quixano Perez lives in the Mexican city of Acapulco. She runs a bookstore. She has a son, Luca, the love of her life, and a wonderful husband who is a journalist. And while there are cracks beginning to show in Acapulco because of the drug cartels, her life is, by and large, fairly comfortable. Even though she knows they'll never sell, Lydia stocks some of her all-time favorite books in her store. And then one day a man enters the shop to browse and comes up to the register with four books he would like to buy--two of them her favorites. Javier is erudite. He is charming. And, unbeknownst to Lydia, he is the jefe of the newest drug cartel that has gruesomely taken over the city. When Lydia's husband's tell-all profile of Javier is published, none of their lives will ever be the same. Forced to flee, Lydia and eight-year-old Luca soon find themselves miles and worlds away from their comfortable middle-class existence. Instantly transformed into migrants, Lydia and Luca ride la bestia--trains that make their way north toward the United States, which is the only place Javier's reach doesn't extend. As they join the countless people trying to reach el norte, Lydia soon sees that everyone is running from something. But what exactly are they running to? American Dirt will leave readers utterly changed when they finish reading it. A page-turner filled with poignancy, drama, and humanity on every page, it is a literary achievement."--
